Mind the gap

Where our freedom to choose really lies

I guess the idea of stimulus and response is familiar to us all. Something happens to us, and we respond. Coaches (including me) often talk about the key to personal change being in the way we choose to respond.

We certainly can’t always choose what happens to us and so people will talk ruefully and cynically about ‘freedom of choice’ as being something for people whose lives aren’t complicated by debt, poverty, young families etc.

In ‘The 8th Habit’ Stephen Covey talks about the gap – the space – that exists between stimulus and response.  He suggests that the size of that gap isn’t the same for all of us.  It can be affected by cultural and even genetic factors.  But for all of us, there is a gap.  And for all of us, there’s the chance to increase it.  To make the gap bigger.  To increase the space between what happens to us, and how we respond to it.

A bigger gap = more space.  And more space means more freedom of choice.  More room to to explore things, and chose the outcome we really want, rather than falling back on the kneejerk response.

The gap is where freedom of choice sits.  USE of that space is what really counts.

Can you see how brilliantly this can be applied in every day life? It seems to work as a framework for thought in almost every imaginable situation.

It’s a way of giving yourself more space.

I tend to think of this space as time – or maybe that’s the way I use it.  I try and carve out a little bit of time for myself before I jump in.

You may already have this ‘pause for thought’ built into many parts your daily life. For example, I know that if I respond immediately to a change of plan suggested by my husband, I will knee-jerk into ‘no!’. If I give myself time to consider, reflect on the options, the impact the change will have, I’ll more often come back with ‘actually that sounds great’ or ‘how about if we keep this bit of the original plan, and incorporate your suggestion at that stage’.

Firing off an email in response to one that has pressed a few of my buttons is another place where the space between stimulus and response will allow a more measured reaction.

As a feminist in the 1970s, and later as a student, I spent a lot of time considering the nature/nurture dichotomy particularly in relation to gendered behaviour. The conclusion I reached was that it was a bit of each; our genetics play a part, and most certainly the culture into which we are born and raised has a huge impact. Yet the inevitable result of considering a space between stimulus and response is that as adults we choose our lives i.e. we are responsible for them. So, we may be genetically programmed in a certain way, our upbringing and life’s context play a huge part, but the simple fact that we are aware of the gap means we can question our ‘normal’ gender-specific responses. Now, there’s a can of worms!

Above all though, the importance lies in an acknowledgment that the space exists.  There is a gap, and we can use it.  We can learn how to increase the gap, and give ourselves more time.  It means we DO have the freedom to choose our responses. Great idea, huh?

You may be interested in these posts, too:

1. The music of our lives ‘Music is the space between the notes’  Claude Debussy...
2. Reflection: some extra space for self development   ‘Reflection’, what a great word. It’s one of those...
3. Time for some radical unbranding I don’t know if you ever have that feeling...

Tagged as: change, decisions, gender stereotyping, planning, questioning, space