My mother died in 1995. I was with her in the last couple of days of her life and I kept a journal. I think that was the first time I ever used writing as a tool to get me through a difficult situation. Later that year I started the journal about my life which became the blueprint for all those I have kept since. Which is an interesting observation from where I’m sitting.
My mother’s death was momentous. Well, it would be wouldn’t it – those words, ‘mother’ and ‘death’ strung together are pretty powerful indicators of pain, sadness, loss. Please don’t be too shocked when I tell you that my mother’s death came as a relief, that I walked from the hospital with an unprecedented lightness in my step. What I will reveal may strike you as shocking, it may invoke your sympathy. Well, please don’t waste that on me, I’m fine, I’ve worked through the crap and am loving the life I have. I had a very ordinary, unexciting childhood. My mother was a widow, she was also dysfunctional. I think lots of parents were, in the 1950s. Spare the rod and all that baloney. It’s only really now, in my late fifties, that I discover that many of my friends had delightful experiences of growing up, but my mum did what she could given the lack of empathy that was part of her character.
So, to be clear, I want to tell the stories, but not with the intention of assuaging my pain, I did that years ago. Nor from the perspective of a tortured soul; I ain’t one! Rather, because they are quite funny, albeit in a toe-curling, oh-my-god-how-dreadful sort of way. And because they’re my stories, and mother’s dead so it can’t hurt her.
You may be interested in these posts, too:
- Writing to learn, and writing to understand what the learning is I’d like to share a story with you. It starts kind of sad, but the ending is very joyful, very...
- The gift, or what does your journal mean to you? What does your journal mean to you? Mine is my intimate, it never gets bored with me. It is silent,...
- Ending is part of my new beginning It’s galling, isn’t it, when you’re mad keen to get on with something, but the stuff you have to sort...
- Old friends Is this my time to turn away? Bask in the warmth of now and turn my back on history? I...
This comment was...
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
You sound like quite a healthy individual indeed to recognize that your mum what she could….given her lack in many areas.
I firmly believe that just about no parent wakes up one morning and says, Jeepers! I’m going to screw up my kids! They do the best they can within their own human frailties.
Lots of empathy for the path you are on.
Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach´s last blog ..Today’s Humor of the Day – Funny Microsoft Windows Errors
Thank you for that, Barbara. I think I’m pretty healthy these days, though that wasn’t always the case. I have to remind myself that we all do our best as parents because inevitably we get it wrong sometimes. I certainly have. VERY wrong on occasions. The parent I admire most in the world is my youngest child who, as a single mum with currently a major disability in the shape of back pain (think morphine patches), has so much more wisdom than I did when rearing my first born. And so, whilst admiring her, I must forgive myself.
x
THank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect on that.
Reading this post again today, I realise I need to expand on it, to make clear WHY I was so relieved. I sounds a bit brutal, otherwise. And I’m not. I’ll get to it very soon.